Musings

4/29/25

look for a piece you've already written and write a partner piece for it. make a little diptych with your work!

As she opened her mailbox and expected nothing more than the usual bills, spam letters, and ads, Sarah was pleasantly surprised to find a carefully crafted envelope with her name written in practiced cursive on the front, held together with a sticker the emblem of her school on the back. She knew this was coming for a while, but holding the invitation in her hands truly solidified that 10 years had passed since she graduated high school.

She had spoken with her friends who shared the experience of that place many times before about what they would do when the day finally came. A few were excited, a few were already figuring out how to get out of it. Sarah, however, was mostly indifferent.

That is, until one friend, seemingly innocently, asked:

"What will you do if Lee goes?"

She was taken off guard, though she was weirdly proud of this reaction. Sarah hadn't thought about Lee as much as she thought she would since she left high school, so she hadn't even considered the thought of ever running into him again. Mulling it over, this would likely be the only place they would ever see each other in their adult lives.

"I guess say hi," she had responded at the time. "What else would I do?"

A few months later, however, Sarah was faced with the reality that any nonchalance she had about the situation was fleeting.

She arrived at her high school - a place she never thought she would visit again - with nerves and excitement. No matter what happens tonight, nor whether she sees Lee, she was at the very least looking forward to seeing old friends, along with how much her fellow peers had changed over all. She entered and immediately found a drink in her hand, standing over a small table with a couple of her other friends, chatting about how awkward everything felt and gossipping about so-and-so and that person and the other.

Suddenly, a hand tapped her shoulder. Based on her friend's reaction, who could see behind her, she knew exactly who that hand belonged to. Sarah never thought he would be so bold, considering the last time they talked, he literally turned and walked away from her, making it clear - at least in her mind - that any relationship they had was done. After what felt like minutes, she slowly turned to face -

"Addy?" A sigh audibly escaped her lips, and Addy stared at her, confused at her reaction. Sarah could hear her friends giggling behind her, amused at their little trick. What they hadn't noticed, however - and what Sarah had - was that Lee was, in fact, there. Sarah stared past Addy's shoulder and met his sepia eyes all the way across the gymnasium at another weirdly-sized standing table.

Knowing he was caught, Lee pursed his lips into an uncomfortable smile, sending a tiny wave in Sarah's direction. Should he go say hi properly? The last time he spoke to her was due to a fight where he practically confessed his feelings to her and then ran away like a coward. There was no way she was interested...right?

His question was quickly answered, and in a way he did not expect. He watched as Sarah excused herself from Addy and her friends and headed straight into his direction. Her steps were determined and hurried. She looked just as surprised as he did as he watched her grab his shirt collar and harshly whisper, "You. Me. Outside. Now."

What the fuck am I doing? Sarah had to stop herself visibly shaking her head at herself as she kept her grip on Lee's shirt, making sure he stayed behind her as she led him to the front door of the school. With every step, all those feelings of that day came flooding back to her, stronger than ever from being repressed for over 10 years.

Lee quietly let her drag him, knowing he owed it to her, at the very least. He also couldn't help but smile a little to himself. Was that fire back?

They finally stopped walking. Sarah let go of her grip, leaving a mess of wrinkles in its wake. Taking a deep breath, trying not to let her eyes water, she turned and faced Lee. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.

"You...didn't think you'd get this far, did you?"

That deep breath she took was let go. And, she began to laugh. Once Lee realized his question wasn't taken in offense, he too, began to laugh, and soon the two were giggling like idiots. They were back in middle school, goofing around - before all the drama and feelings got in the way. They continued to chat - just catching up on life, how college was, what their jobs were, what was new, what was old.

Once the conversation trailed off from the formalities, Lee let the silence hang in the air momentarily before muttering, "I'm really sorry, by the way." He watched as Sarah's cerulean eyes searched his for more, so he continued. "I wasn't sure how to handle any of what was going on - my feelings, our friendship, what happened...any of it. I've thought about it a lot, you know." He shuffled in place, fixing his shirt. "I will say, though, that everything I said to you was true. I did visit you when you were sick. I didn't want you to know because I loved you." He chuckled. "It makes no sense, saying it now, out loud. But it did at the time. Somehow..."

Sarah put her hand up to stop him. "It's ok, Lee. I was confused, too. And..." Was this the right thing to do? "...I loved you, too."

Silence found itself hanging back in the air.

Sarah could feel her eyes welling with tears, and this time, she didn't try to hold back. Too many times she held back her tears from Lee. Today was different. She let a single tear fall, and Lee responded by leaning into her and wiping it away with his thumb, letting his hand linger on her cheek.

With that, Sarah let the tears flow. She lowered her head and gaze, closing her eyes and shuddering with her sobs. "I wish things had ended differently, Lee."

Lee leaned closer into her, resting his forehead on hers, closing his eyes and whispering, "I do too, Sarah."

The two stayed still, letting their final words to each other float around them. Transferring their warmth back and forth to each other. Finally, Lee guided his hand from Sarah's cheek to her chin, lifted her gaze to his, and gave her a soft, tender kiss on her nose. The two slowly pulled away from each other, and Lee waited for Sarah to enter the school first before following a generous distance behind her. They both turned right, into the gym, and disappeared forever.

This is a companion piece to something I wrote back in 2006, when I was really going through it with my guy friend/crush. He and I were super close all throughout elementary and middle school, but the inevitable clique machine of high school saw us drift apart. I was frustrated and sad, so I took my feelings and put them into a story. It's still on the internet; you can find it here.
4/14/25

write something about another piece of media-- an analysis, a response, a deeper exploration, a mutilation. think about something you've read, watched, seen lately, and take your time with writing about it

I recently watched "Cure", directed by Kiyoshi Kurosawa, and the more I meditate on it, the more I come to love it. When you view it for the first time, you get this feeling of unease and dizziness, almost as though the movie is intentionally leading you down different paths, or meaning to be convoluted. As you let it sit in your mind, however, you realize that it is actually quite straightforward in its plot and message.

We all have burdens. We all hide them differently. We all see others and wish our lives were like theirs, without realizing that, were we to actually switch lives, we would be acquiring their burdens as well as their virtues. Is the "cure" in question to accept our burdens and try to live in spite of them? Is it to rid ourselves of our burdens? When do burdens become so ingrained in our identity that we no longer have an identity at all?

We all have titles, sure - we are a husband, a detective - but what happens when that becomes all that we are?

"Cure" explores all these themes so eloquently, so tastefully, with so much attention to detail. It may not seem so on the surface, but "Cure" is a horror movie about one of the deepest scares of all - a loss of self. A sucummbing to our burdens. And, a potential inside of all of us that we may, one day, snap.
4/7/25

write something that begins with an odd or fun fact

April 10th was the 100th day of the year. 100 days since I found myself lying face-up in the cold darkness of the mountains, snow tickling my face as I stared into the abyss above, counting every star as if it were every second passing while I slowly froze to death.

I had decided to go skiing by myself that night to celebrate my newfound loneliness after leaving my boyfriend of six years. Plus, it was New Year's Eve - why not start a new year, as a newly single person, doing something new? Not that skiing was new to me - rather, skiing alone at night. I should have known there was a reason why I had never done it previously.

A snow drift bigger than I had anticipated caught the front of my ski and pulled my head forward as if a claw had jutted out of the ground and grabbed it itself. I tumbled over and over, caught in a vortex of my own weight and velocity, feeling as though it would never end. Suddenly, it did.

Everything was still. The trees held their breath as they waited for me to let go of my own. My mind, though floating out of my skull and looking down at my own body, frantically asked over and over if I could move anything. First, my eyes. They darted back and forth and blinked, making sure they could still see. All they took in was the blackness of the night, but the peripherals caught shapes and whiteness. Good, they still worked. Slowly, but surely, the rest of my body followed. Nothing felt broken, but I'm sure I would feel all the bruising within the next few days.

100 days. 100 tumbles. 100 heartbreaks. And I survived them all.

Started strong but derailed quickly because I got distracted by work LMAO
3/31/25

this week, recycle an old piece (or several) for this club into something new! patch lines together, ideas together, images together. frankenstein it! if you haven't been in this club long, then use any other old writing of yours

I want a happy ending for you two. I don't want to see you suffer. I'm so tired of writing about sadness, anguish, fear, and the unknown. There is too much of that in the real world already. I want you two to thrive.

You never visited that therapist that Todd recommended. You still went ahead and practiced switching for the first time with [REDACTED] in your home, and it was a success. You were scared, but [REDACTED] comforted you as before. He held your subconscious hand the entire time, just as you had always held his when the roles were reversed.

You watched as he physically held a paint brush for the first time, rather than miming your movements while you clumsily slid the paint across the canvas. His moves were much more precise, more delicate, with more thought behind them. In admiration, you watched him paint a simple scene of a park, with the leaves blowing softly in the wind, and flower petals scattering across the sky and the ground. It was serene. When he finished, he smiled and pulled you back into your own body, spinning you around as if you two were in a dance, and then faded into the subconscious you emerged from.

You didn't argue. He didn't plead for you to let him back into your body. There was never a secret, third entity trying to take control of the both of you. You two lived peacefully and happily. Eventually, even the arachnurses noticed your mood change, and you were allowed to leave the assisted living apartment. You two got a cat. She looked like Lucy and was just as lovable. You were given a second chance, in more ways than one.

I revisted your unfinished story for the first time in almost two years. I was so cruel to you. I wanted to be edgy and cosmic. Because of this, your life became a mess. We never made it this far, but I had plans to have you kill someone and committed for life. I'm so sorry.

And what of [REDACTED]? You saw him again, in reality. If the original story ever did continue, he would be dead by your hand, because you mistook him for your tulpa. Instead, he physically came to life and met you again, not as [REDACTED], but as Lee. Did he possess Lee? You'll never know, and I will never ask. Now he can hold Lucy and you and softly breathe in your ear as the three of you fall asleep, content with what has become.

This is a short re-write of a story I was writing for NaNoWriMo in 2023 about a woman who discovers tulpamancy. The original plan was to have her tulpa turn on her, make her crazy, and committ murder. Reading it back to myself almost two years later exhausted me. I hope you are finally happy in this new reality.