April 30, 2024

Just realized today that it was 10 years ago last month that I went into ballroom dancing professionally. I was only there for a little over two years, but honestly it was so impactful to my life that it molded me into who I am today.

Bit of background: I grew up dancing - started in ballet when I was 4 and pretty much did it on and off for the rest of my life. I was on dance team in high school, and I danced in my local ballet school shows. Nothing super major, but it took up a substantial part of my life. When I got older and moved out, I dropped the idea of ever being able to pursue dance as a career, since I didn't have the education and skill to do so. I took on other ventures, and then when I moved to a larger city, I discovered that I could still, in fact, puruse dance - not in ballet or on a team, but in ballroom.

Prior to that, I had never done ballroom or proper couple dancing (pas de deux was the closest), but I was able to pick it up quickly with my foundational knowledge. I found a partner shortly after I started, and then we began to compete. It was honestly quite a whirlwind. We were practicing late hours and early mornings almost every day, traveling the country, and slowly getting recongition in our region, as well as minor recognition in that scene as a whole. It was amazing - I honestly felt like a movie star every time I'd go out on the floor.

So, what happened?

Well, when you are a professional ballroom dancer, 9 out of 10 times - you're also a teacher. And, as a woman, being a teacher is hard. I was given couples or single males as students. The main demographic of students for ballroom were women. So, I'd see my fellow male teachers raking in lessons and dough like crazy - meanwhile, I would be worrying about whether or not I'd make next month's rent.

Not only that, but I was also using every cent I made on competing - lessons, coachings, traveling, dresses, entries, makeup and hair. Very regularly I had a negative balance in my checking account. It took a toll on my dance partnership. It also destroyed my romantic relationship because I devoted all my time to this (he ended up cheating on me, which was what truly destroyed it, but I'm sure part of that was due to my constant absence). My cat was alone for most of the day and night, every day and night (I'm so sorry, Lali). My friends never saw me. What was I striving for? All this so a person who was propped up in the industry could give me a number above 8 in a competition?

I was poor. I was losing weight. I was antisocial. I was honestly going to die if I kept going. I know it sounds dramatic, and honestly it feels dramatic saying this, especially since I've seen before and since so many people make it in this industry. But, it wasn't for me. So, I made one of the toughest decisions of my life and walked away.

That was in 2016. And now, almost ten years later (and ten years from when I first started ballroom), I'm in a much better place. I have a great job, a stable relationship, a roof over my head, a pet I can see every day - and I made up for lost time with Lali as well (well, as much as I could anyway).

As hard as it was physically, mentally, and emotionally on me, though, I still miss it. I'll never get a feeling like that again, and while I'm mostly okay with it, I wonder what would have happened if I kept going.

Anyway, that's it. Just musing about that.